I have quite a bit of backtracking to do. In fact, I fear I’ve gotten lost along the trail somewhere and forgot to write about this lost-ness.
Got back from my hometown / college-town recently. It was refreshing to see the wide sky and familiar loved stones. My brain was again tracing its old pathways, dusting off the hedges and giggling with neuronal happiness.
But going “home” doesn’t always represent easy memories and a sense of security. There are dark corners eveywhere.
I like to find the destruction beneath Nature’s gorgeous blossoms, familiar landscapes.
Not only in the exterior, but the interior as well.
I returned from my trip home refreshed. Ready to be clear-headed again.
But somewhere I felt a digging going on inside me. Is it possible that going to safety often leads us to question safety itself?
For example, the safety of ones room, ones mind, can turn quickly into a terrifying place.
Often, when I feel lost, or confused, or just plain frustrated with what’s happening around me, I retreat to what I think will be a safe, comforting place. But often, it’s in this sacred space that my worries, fears, anxieties are amplified. The quiet room? White Noise, torturous White Noise. The mind? A mad monkey jumping from one topic to the next, restless.
So how to move past these lost-fears?
Today I was running on the treadmill and, strangely enough, a lot of my insights happen while working my body, pushing it physically beyond its limits, and I thought, BUT I HAVE POWER.
And not in the “I” in the sense that I, my ego, has power to a)influence others, b)myself, or c)bend a spoon with thoughts, but that somewhere, amid worry, stress, anxiety, doubt, there’s a still small voice, rooted to the base of Creation, whispering, LISTEN.
You are not lost. And what is it, anyway? Being-lost is itself a gift.
The gift is discovery.
Power comes from acceptance.
Acceptance means letting go.
Letting go means rejoicing even in the dark corners.
Dark corners mean: something unresolved is in the process of resolving.
Process simply means, Love This Moment.
In this moment, a future friend is holding your hand, before they betray you.
Betrayal is lost opportunity carrying your winter shoes because it loves you.
Lost Opportunity is only as lost as you are.
You are not lost.
Time bends to you, raises a glass of beer and says, Whatever you will it to be, will be.
Will be is another way to say IS.
POWER is believing the man in the black truck I keep dreaming about, is real, and the way in which I learn to look at things as though Something, somewhere, is taking care of the flowers, as well as me.
Believe this, I thought, Nothing is as perfect as the darkest insecurity or the safest homebase.
All leads to self discovery, which leads Nowhere but to help others on their own paths.
My ear is ringing. I lost my favorite ring in Texas. I’m on my way to trusting my inner compass.