I didn’t forget that I still need to continue where I left off with the last post about being gracious to our fears and wounds and pain.
However, I’ve been running like mad and awake at 3 am because inspiration finally struck in Poetry Land and the world keeps spinning on a certain axis until it doesn’t.
And so I need time to work through that topic properly, but for now I’d like to share a letter I just wrote. Hopefully this person won’t mind, but this person will be the only one who knows who it’s addressed to.
Something just moved. Perhaps it will speak to more than just its recipient.
I know how you feel. This may sound weird, but every time I go through a down-phase, I look back and see that it brought something or some gift to the surface (maybe one we don’t see until later on) but it does move something into motion, as painful as it may seem at the time, or numb.
I feel very odd lately, too. Do you sometimes feel like life used to be more stable, or at least, grasp-able for longer periods of time than it does now? Perhaps it’s our age or the phase in our life. I read a poem today by I-forget-who called “Poem at 30” and it made me feel very lonely and yet hopeful at the same time, because we’re losing and shedding so many things but meanwhile the shedding is making room for something we can’t see yet, and because we can’t see it, we’re scared and mourning what we feel we are losing a grip on–foundations, relationships, stability, confidence–but what’s slipping from us isn’t really slipping from us forever, it’s moving into another shape, or form, to be returned to us as future blessings, ones we think are new and unknown, but later are our old losses in disguise.
But my heart is breaking all over again, too. It’s as though my foundation cracked and instead of tearing down the house, I tried to stay in something broken. So I try to heal by speaking my truth, but every time I speak my truth it hits a wall and the words are returned ashamed. I am.
Is it possible to feel so tired of going out the door each day at 26/29? I think so. I think, in a way, we are very old, because our framework is changing completely. We’re being moved into the Next Phase and so, in the framework of our Youth we are old and dying, in a way. Like the child thinks he’s dying as he’s being born, though, we have to have faith that the light is just around the corner, the doctor will soon clear our lungs and we’ll breathe a different air, Ready and Closer to who we are (becoming)!