I have accepted that I will always have these feelings and they come in waves and “episodes” that sometimes last just minutes or last months. It just happens. I don’t know why. I have been in therapy since I was 10. Yeah shit happened in childhood, but to be honest, I think it’s just part of my brain. Maybe a curse of creativity (or a blessing?) not that all creatives have to have ‘it” but, I do. Just today I daydreamed while driving 169 miles back to my town from a smaller town out in the middle of the mountains…by that time I was in the flatlands again and almost home but it was desolate and there were abandoned sheds and barns scattered everwhere and a couple used old shot through water and oil tanks rotting in the fields as I drove by and I could have stopped on the side of the road and maybe hung myself from some sort of wire or impromtu rope inside one of those sheds and maybe someone driving on the highway, a nice trucker with a beard, maybe, and stains on his jeans and a picture of a little girl on his dash that he hasn’t seen and hasn’t been a little girl, since 1986, would stop and lift me off the rope and call the hospital. Maybe I’d be dead by then or not. Or maybe he was just a vision and was really the angel to take me away. I don’t know. But that’s all I could think about today was dying in those fields which seemed to call for me to do it. Because why not. And everyone would get on eventually. As they do. As life does. However, instead I drove back to my office and finished up reports.
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