In Search of the I, Or: An Introduction

At every moment you choose yourself. But do you choose your self? Body and soul contain a thousand possibilities out of which you can build many I’s. But in only one of them is there a congruence of the elector and the elected. Only one–which you will never find until you have excluded all those superficial and fleeting possibilities of being and doing with which you toy, out of curiosity of wonder or greed, and which hinder you from casting anchor in the experience of the mystery of life, and that consciousness of the talent entrusted to you which is your I.

-Dag Hammarkjold

Jung talks often about the different phases of life. One is very wrapped up in the ego and the others are more of a searching, or a coming-t0-terms with the soul. I have been experimenting here and there with going even deeper into what makes me tick lately. I want to elevate my level of consciousness when it comes to terms with all that is surrounding me, and all that is going on internally.

I used to be very good at recording my dreams and spent a year and a half in Jungian Analysis, dream work or creative dream work, as we liked to call it, the analyst and I. At first I went into it so that I could have a more knowledgeable guide to what I was trying to trace, mostly to unblock my writing. But I left understanding that it serves a deeper purpose than that.

Lately, I have started taking little baby steps into what I hope will be a more awakened life-style. It began by taking note of my eating habits. Emotional eating has become (or perhaps always was) a problem with me. I’m just now starting to understand how necessary conscious eating is. Conscious so as not to over-eat. Conscious about the contents of my meals–is it necessary, is it healthy, am I actually hungry, or am I thirsty, or am I trying to numb an experience in my mind?

After having a child, my opportunities to take part in alcohol have lessened, mostly due to the fact that any time I would allot myself to partake have been cut down dramatically. This has helped me realize just what kind of poison it is to my body. I am not, nor ever was, an alcoholic, but abstaining from it for so long made me more sensitive to the effects of it on my mind, body and brain. It no longer serves any means to an end for me. I’d rather be clear-headed. I’d rather give up the extra weight it puts on and the sugar crash it induces.

To be awakened means to become sensitive in a way that is almost raw. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes we want to go back to sleep. I am understanding even more now why I have had the impulses I’ve had in the past to escape, whether that be in forms of internet use, food, alcohol, shopping, or even studying. Yes, even intellectualism can become an escape.

I have always loved the song by the Eagles called “Learn to be Still”. Stillness for me can drudge up restlessness, anxiety, depression. I feel anxious or depressed that I’m not doing something. I feel restless. But I’m realizing that stillness can, if used consciously, bring us to a place of accomplishment further than anything else in movement can.

I want to know who the real “I” is, underneath the years of accumulating practices which shut her down, silence her, or numb her.

I want to reach a higher level of awareness.

In the end, if this means giving up whatever is necessary to do so, I will. Finally, I want to.

Never have I struggled with the typical type addictions that most people think about when they think about addictions. Rather, I have been addicted to drama. Drama in my head. Over the following: weight issues/body image/control/worry/anxiety/need to perform in my skills such as writing (ie ego) and other such things.

My next few blogs, or maybe my next hundred blogs, will chronicle a journey of my path to trying to tune into that essential I by way of sifting through what I can give up in order to dig in.

I wrote last night that I want a truly balanced life. I think I understand what that means now. Once, I had a philosophy professor in graduate school tell me that I fluctuate too harshly between the mountain top and the market place, as though I can’t gently shift back and forth between the two.

The market place would be the social arena. Not living consciously. Trying to please others in an outward way (body image/working out/dieting/eating too much/alcohol in the name of socializing/looking for love from another human being.

The mountain top would be the heady stuff. Living overly conscious. Dissociative. Trying to please the ego of the spiritual self. Too concerned with overproduction of work. Ego driven spirituality. Looking too hard for a God that is already in me.

Last night I had a vivid dream. I thanked the universe for giving me a vivid dream before I even went to bed. I didn’t ask, I just knew and expected. And it happened. I recorded it as I have done any vivid dream form the past. I didn’t over-analyze or feel special for this gift. I will let it sit until such time as it is needed again.

I ate consciously today, healthy and necessary meals to fuel my body and brain but I did not over-eat or over worry about calories or my thighs. I simply praised my body by way of giving it good food in the right amounts. I consciouesly drank enough water. When I got to the bookstore and wanted to buy something sweet, I stopped, analyzed that craving and realized I was lonely. I held my daughter and made friends with other moms in the play area. I made sure to look them in the eyes. I made sure to focus on the new skills my daughter was learning. I felt full. I felt complete in that moment. Very lucky to be sitting there. No drama for miles.

When I wanted to buy a new book, I realized it was only to serve my ego of attaining another collection. I realized that in this moment, I had enough spirituality books on my shelf still half-read that could serve my purpose more than enough without me having to purchase another one.

When I wanted to watch a show on netflix, I made myself think through that trajectory. I’d be too tired to write afterward and I’d be disappointed, which would probably fuel an unhealthy choice tomorrow in food or simply in mindset–I realize that sometimes, what I indulge in isn’t a substance, it’s a thought or a “tape” as I like to call them. A negative tape filled with thoughts that cloud my opportunities to be happy and present.

Of course, I still slipped up today. I allowed myself to consider this new way of living a decision to be devoted only to this and declare a sort of celibacy as if joining a nunnery. I mean, isn’t love and relationship a distraction? But I remembered the best way to live is open to whatever the Universe wants. And my fervor to deny this area of life is only a testament to how this is probably an unhealthy defense mechanism. So, I say to the Universe: I am open to whatever abundance you have waiting for me, in whatever form that may take. I simply want to get to know the real “I”, so that I can be a better tool.

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One Response to In Search of the I, Or: An Introduction

  1. randomyriad says:

    Definitely stay open, who knows what miracles will wander in. Pay attention for disguised opportunities. Life is just what is happening now. Everything else is a guess or a memory. Nobody knows what is going to happen next. The only you can do is be as ready as you can for whatever it is.


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