It has been a long time since I have written a blog post here. It has been way too long that I have examined a feeling of being lost.
I had a text conversation with my sister last night where I told her I’m feeling emotionally lost. And perhaps a little scared. She said, “You are NOT lost.”
This is no ones fault but my own. Recently, I have allowed myself to be consumed in something exciting and wonderful and makes me feel all sorts of good things, but I have stopped checking in with myself. Stopped regenerating my inner being. It’s a devastating cycle when this happens because I tend to push away the very thing that makes me happy because I have not been proactive enough to balance my needs with the new-thing that makes me happy.
Here is where I step my foot down. Not in a way that pushes the new-thing-that-makes-me-happy but by telling myself it’s ok to also give myself time and space to continue to tap into my being and feel strong, independent. Mostly, though, strong. I can’t allow myself to become weak. And it’s no one’s fault but my own.
This is where I feel lost and scared. But it’s good to explore these emotions, admit to them and let them speak so that we have a conversation and I can let things happen in a healthy way.
I’m scared that by allowing myself to come back to myself and balance my alone time with the time it takes to enjoy my relationship, that the other person involved will leave. Isn’t that silly? And if they did leave, wouldn’t that indicate that they were probably not right, anyway?
I used to be very self-involved. It was a protection mechanism for the most part but also due to my disease that was untreated. I lost a very important relationship because of it. Now, I’m realizing I am overcompensating for that loss by giving 120% to prove something to the other party and myself that I am no longer that person. In all reality, I am no longer that person whether I was engaged in a relationship or not. And I am not who I once was. I am a very receptive, caring, open, honest and most importantly, aware of myself human being. I am medicated, in therapy and doing everything I can to not let this illness swallow me again. This is very important and the world has widened for me in so many ways. I wouldn’t trade this healthy change for anything. It’s all part of the evolving process.
However, that doesn’t mean I am not allowed to feel lost sometimes, even if it’s my own doing.
It’s easy to look at a situation and say, “Well this person is doing or being or feeling A, B, and C and therefore I feel E, F and G.” But in all reality, it’s NEVER about the other person. You only have control of yourself. And it takes guts and strength to look at yourself proactively and see where it is you have let yourself down to feel lost. What have you done to make the situation not work? And, most of all, is it actually working for you?
So, today, I get back to working on myself and making sure that I am being the best version of myself, taking care of myself for me and for others.
I am a pleaser. I am a caretaker. These are not weaknesses. They can become so if you allow it to. But in all reality, if you balance your most precious and wonderful attributes with self reflection and love, the above character traits can help you change the world.
Therefore, I am intent on saying to my emotionally lost feeling: It’s ok to be lost. But you know you are never lost. You are simply on a new level, a new journey, that you have yet to conquer or experience. Let go of wanting to control it and let it happen. Let whatever is hiding in the trees come forward. Let whatever streams run through it. Let it happen. Know that you are strong and you don’t have to bend yourself into a million different shapes to be loved. Just be you and let the good come and don’t feel responsible for feeling lost or confused. Examine it. Talk about it. It will always resolve on its own. You don’t have to do anything but learn to be still and learn to love your unique power. Only you can fill that void. And once that is filled, you can equally love and let go or bring in others